Long Story Short…

(WARNING! MATURE LANGUAGE AND THEMES!)

(The cast is onstage singing "Seasons of Love", just in case you didn't see the trailer or handle the fact that this was first on Broadway.)

Daphne Rubin Vega fans: (enraged) Hey, what's Rosario doing up there?

Rest of Audience: You knew about this for months. Get over it.

Mark: Damn, Benny's an asshole. Making us pay to live in his loft!

Roger: Quick, let's burn our life's work!

Mark: Hey, everybody's doing it!

Roger: Doesn't that defeat the purpose of being a bohemian?

Collins: Whassup?

Random Muggers: Yaargh!

Collins: Fuck! Not my trademark jacket!

Everyone else: Yea! Burn! Go to hell Benny!

Benny:  I look real snazzy in this old Jeep.

Roger: Dude, you broke your word.

Benny: New deal: cancel Maureen's protest and all your dreams come true!

Mark: I doubt that a giant computer studio constitutes of all our dreams.

Benny: STFU, your girlfriend dumped you for a butch lawyer chick.

Mark: At least I actually get a solo!

Benny: It got cut out at the last second, remember?

Mark: Oh yeah, I forgot.
………………………………………………………………………………………………

Angel: Banging on a trash can…

Collins: OWWWW!

Angel: OMFG, honey, are you okay?

Collins: Let's see… I'm in a dark alley, I just got mugged on Christmas Eve, my ribs are broken, I'm bleeding worse than a hemophiliac, and I have AIDS, so I pretty fuckin' peachy!

Angel: Like, OMG, you are so tense. Here, let me take you to a hospital. By the way, I have AIDS as well, am rhythmically coordinated, and I'm a total stereotype of what I represent.

Collins: Talented people living in poverty?

Angel: No silly, Gays!

Collins: I think we're made for each other.
……………………………………………………………………………………………

Roger: All I need is one great song to define my lifetime. Y'know, cause everyone remembers one-hit wonders.

Mark: Umm, I'm gonna go find Collins now… (Leaves)

Roger: Whatever.

Mimi: Hmm….

Roger: Mark did you- (sees Mimi) wow.

Mimi: Hey hot stuff. Light my candle?

Roger: You look familiar.

Mimi: That's nice. Light my candle?

Roger: Yeah, you remind me of my dead girlfriend.

Mimi: Okay, I'll ignore the obsession for now. Light my candle?

Roger: Yep, she was HIV pos-

Mimi: LIGHT MY FUCKING CANDLE GODDAMIT!

Roger: Damn, I heard you the first time.

Mimi: Umm, I left my speed here.

Roger: You need to get off that stuff.

Mimi: Psh, c'mon, when the last time a drug killed someone?

Roger: Actually-

Mimi: Screw it. I'll steal it from you anyway. Oh, by the way, I'm a stripper. That's where you've seen me.

Roger: Oh yeah! Hey, for a couple a bucks, can you-

Mimi: Nope. (Ditches him teasingly)
……………………………………………………………………………………………

Collins: Hey guys! I'm alive! And I bring vodka!

Mark and Roger: Sweet!

Collins: Here, meet my new girlfriend, Angel! (He enters in Tim Burton-esque Santa drag)

Mark: Ummm….Collins? I'm pretty sure that's a guy.

Angel: Gee, what was your first clue? Here, have some cash wads.

Roger: Move over Collins. I think I'm in love.

Voice message: Hey Mark! We love you and think its A-OK that your ex hooked up with a lesbian. Merry Christmas!

Collins: Maureen's a lesbo? (Laughs)

Mark: Wow, what a supportive friend.

Voice message: Mark, help me in a desperate non-committal friend sort of way!

Mark: So there.

Collins: (makes whipping sound effects that are too funny for words and cannot be parodied)
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Joanne: God damn, I'm a lawyer not a rocket scientist…

Mark: My God, this movie just embraces the gay stereotype, doesn't it?

Joanne: I hate you, but HELP!!!

Mark: Sure. Mind if I break into song about how my promiscuous ex is totally screwing us over literally and figuratively?

Joanne: Only if we can dance and make witty comments!

Mark: Have a good life….pookie.

Joanne: (harbors a not-so secret desire to strangle Mark)
………………………………………………………………………………………………

(A committee of HIV infected loners are discussing their problems, whilst Mark shamelessly films them. The movie repeats this emotional formula many times, so the audience doesn't really need to watch or care. To counter this emotional trauma, we get…)

Mimi: FUCK YEA!!!! Watch me sex the guys up with my blatant and unsubtle references to sex wearing sexy 80's stripper outfits while pole dancing and singing so sexily!

Straight guys in the audience: We were with you until the "singing" part.

Mimi: Hey hot stuff. Wanna go AAAAWWWHHOOOOOOTTT Tonight?

Roger: Damn, tempting, but NO! I must resist your sexiness for no apparent reason and dump you like some stupid ass!

Mimi: But, I'm singing the show's mantra! You can't resist my sexiness!

Roger: Hello, I'm the romantic lead. It's what we do!

Mark, Collins, and Angel: Dude, you do realize that this is ROSARIO DAWSON you're turning down???

Mimi: Fine. Angel, let's go whine and snort crack.

Angel: Eh, sure. I'm gonna die halfway through this any way.

Mimi: WHAT???

Angel: Umm- just kidding!
………………………………………………………………………………………………

(More Emphasis on AIDS, which Roger has, apparently.)

Collins: About time you embraced your lifestyle.

Men with gaydars: I KNEW IT!!!

Roger: Shhh!

(Cut to: Police try to apprehend some poor homeless black lady.)

Mark: Face the revealing wrath of my all-powerful CAMERA!!!

Cops: Fine mumble grumble damn Crash ruining our reputation grumble….

Mark: Thanks are in order.

Poor Bum: Fuck you! I don't need starving artists exploiting me!

Roger: If you're in this movie, this is about as exploited as anyone's going to get.
……………………………………………………………………………………………..

Collins: Jam in the train station with my solo!!!

Roger: Words are easy enough to memorize. Half the time we just go "Ohhhhh…."

Mark: So Mariah Carey should be coming out with a new rendition any day know.

Angel: Back off heteros! Collins and I need to sing our gay anthem!

Collins: You bought me a new trademark jacket…? I think I love you!

Gays in the audience: ITS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Straight guys in the audience: What the Hell are we doing here?

Their girlfriends: ITS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!
……………………………………………………………………………………………

Roger: Mimi, lay off the crack. Wanna see a protest?

Mimi: Okey-Dokey.

(Enter Maureen on a motorbike. She is immediately recognized by-)

Wicked Fans: OMFG, its IDINA MENZEL!!! I'M NOT WORTHY!

Maureen: (Belts out a techno allegorical tune that makes a reference to anarchy every third line while managing to insult Benny. Nitpickers point out that Idina and Taye Diggs are married in real life and note the irony, whilst everyone else doesn't give a crap.)

Cops: (Rebel and start beating up minorites for no apparent reason.)

Maureen: Yo, WTF?
……………………………………………………………………………………………
(Everyone goes to the Life Café after the show, which is apparently the hip place for starving artists)

Mark: Hey Maureen! I recorded the riot for you and sent it to the news in a desperate friend non-committal sort of way!

Maureen: LET'S HAVE PITY SEX RIGHT NOW!!!

Joanne: Hold up bitch. You like pussy, remember?

Snooty Waiter: The blonde one may not enter.

Mark: Why?

Waiter: Cause you're broke.

Mark: Hello? What part of "starving artist" do you not get about this movie?

Angel: I'll pay for you all with my friends Benjamin and Jackson!

Roger: Benny, you're not a starving artist, you’re a neo-yuppie scum. What are you and your financial advisors doing here?

Benny: Celebrating the fact that we just destroyed all Maureen's hopes and ambitions. Bohemians suck!

Maureen: Oh yeah? (Shows off her better side) Suck this!

Mark: Time for the Bohemian anthem!

Mimi & Angel: To pleasure and sex!

Maureen & Collins: To random protests!

Collins & Roger: To famous philosophers!

Collins, Maureen, Joanne, & Angel: To gay PDAs!

Investors: Eww. (Leave angrily)

Benny: Why the hell did I come here? (Storms out) Wait guys! Come back! I can be cool!

Mimi: What the hell? We haven't kissed all of a day and we're the lead couple!

Roger: Look, I'm supposed to be standoffish and broody, I'm the romantic lead! Hayden Christiansen and James Franco are all doing it!
(AZT pagers go off. Mimi and Roger have them)

Roger: You too?

Mimi: No shit, Sherlock.  How else did I know that Life Support mantra?

(They go out into the snow and share a really mushy heartfelt moment alone without ANY intimacy, being quite possibly the most BORING song in the entire movie. They come back inside for another reprise of the anthem)

Mimi: Dancing!

Angel: Singing!

Mark: Movies!

Collins and Maureen: Protests!

Everyone: Gays and Aids!
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(Yada yada, New Year's Eve, Reprise of the song everyone should know by now and…)

Roger: Benny stole our stuff.

Maureen: One of us has to pay rent, meaning one of has to be employed…

(All stare at Mark)

Mark: What? I'm not selling out, and you can't make me!
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(Mark poutly walks to Buzzline, a CBS wannabe station, with Joanne as his legal representation. Maureen is there for no reason, whatsoever)

Maureen: Except, of course, to flirt with other women and make Joanne insanely jealous.

Joanne: Grrr………..

Buzzline boss: Yea, Mark we love your homemade video footage yadda yadda. Join us, you know you want to, blabbity blah.

Mark: Sarah Silverman? What are you doing in this movie?

Sarah: Hello? Did you see my career take a dive in The Aristocrats? I needed a good cameo to restore it.

Mark: Again, I ask you, what are you doing in this movie?

Joanne: (being whiny) Maureen! You're MY girlfriend! Not hers! Or Mark's! Or that stripper's that we met last night! Or that-

Maureen: If I gay marry you, will you PLEASE shut up?

Joanne: It's a deal! (They make out not so subtly)

Mark: Well, this sucks.

Random Avenue Q Puppet: You think your life sucks? Your problems aren't so bad! (Singing) I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart-

Mark: Wrong Broadway musical.

Puppet: Aww, man………………
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(We enter a country club for an rehearsal, because apparently gay marriage was legal in New York back in 1990)

Straight guys in the Audience: Whoa. Joanne's actually kinda hot. How did we miss this?

Mark: Probably the dreadlocks and suspenders.

Straight guys: Ah.

Joanne's Parents: Yes, we are so happy our daughter's a married lesbian.

OBC Rent HEADS: NOT TRUE!!!

Maureen: Woot! Marriage, yea. Ooo, hot girl with shiny necklace and alcohol.

Joanne: WTF!! We're getting MARRIED, remember? As in, you know, NOT dating and/or flirting with other people?

Maureen: But I'm too sexy for this show! I have to direct my hotness somewhere. And if you don't like it, I'll just be a diva!

Joanne: Not if I out-diva you!

Audience in general: OMFG, she can sing too!

Maureen: What?? Out-diva me? While we almost make out on a pool table?

Both Girls: Screw this! It's over!

Straight Guys: What? No more lesbian intimacy moments? But, that's what was keeping us sane!

Maureen's Mom: Hey Mark, maybe you can make our daughter straight again.

Mark: Wow. Awkward moment #2.
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(They go back to the loft with all their stuff back. Benny is there looking smug with a contract)

Taye Diggs fans: THANK GOD!!! It's been a fricking hour!

Benny: Hey, want to renew a deal? Mimi was very convincing…

Roger: WTF??

Mark: Dude, I already sold my soul. Take the check and buzz off.

Benny: Whatever.

Mimi: Roger, it totally wasn't like that-

Roger: !POUTYMOODSWINGYMOMENT!

Mimi: I thought we went over the whole "If Hayden Christiansen jumped off a bridge" thing.
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(Enter a montage establishing things we already knew. Mimi's taking drugs and Roger is being moody. Joanne and Maureen are being total bitches. But what's surprising is that Angel has died of AIDS.)

People who didn't see the show: WTF???? NOT ANGEL! Take Roger instead!

Adam Pascal fan girls/boys: Oh HELL NO!

(There is a funeral for Angel I don't have the heart or amorality to mock. We'll just skip to the graveyard. Mark doesn't sing his solo as Chris Colombus haters sharpen their pitchforks.)

Roger: I'm going to Santa Fe for no apparent reason.

Mimi: Why?

Benny: You'll speak when spoken to!

Maureen: Benny, don't you have a wife?

Joanne: (Revealing her inner PMS that has been dormant since the last two songs) FUCK OFF BITCH!!!

Mimi: ROGER'S A FUCKING MORON!!!

Fans: This song sounds so much better with a new Mimi and Joanne.

DRV fans: Shut up.

Collins: Well, it looks like we're all splitting up. Goodbye.

(They dissipate. Maureen and Joanne get back together)

Straight guys longing for lesbian make out scenes: YAY!!

Rent Heads: Hey, what happened to the rest of "Goodbye Love"?

(They continue to sharpen their pitchforks meant for Chris Colombus' heart.)
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Mark: Corporate life bites. I'm hearing Angel's voice in my head. I'm tempted to kill people. I like chocolate

Roger: Santa Fe kinda sucks. I keep seeing Mimi everywhere I go. I follow random people who bear a passing resemblance to her.  I live on buses writing songs.

Mark: Think there's anything wrong with us?

Roger: How about we come back to the loft and go back to being Bohemians again?
Mark: Can we hug?

Roger Umm…okay.

Fan girls/boys and Mark/Roger Shippers: SQUEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
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Mark: So, a year passed. I finished my movie. Mimi has gone AWOL on Christmas Eve.

Collins: But I bring more vodka!

Roger: Another teaching gig?

Collins: Actually, I rewired an ATM to give me free cash.

Audience: Teach me!

Maureen: Hurry! Mimi's dying in my arms and Joanne can only take so much more before her PMS breaks out in song!

Roger: Shit!

Mimi: (on the table) Roger, I forgive your broodiness. I love you.

Roger: NO! Don't die! Who else is going to satisfy my lust for drug abusers who pole dance in public?

Courtney Love: Hey Roger, I'm free.

Roger: Wait! Mimi, you were my one great song! This mopey pop ballad is for you! I love you!

Audience: About time!

Mimi: (dies)

Roger: MIMI!!!!!!!!!!

La Boheme purists: Eh, close enough.

Mimi: (comes back to life)

Audience: YAY!
Straight guys: (sniffling) I swear I wasn't crying.

Mimi: Angel appeared! He looked awesome and sent me back!

Collins: (cries)

Mark: Who's ready for the obligatory happy ending?

(Everyone sings Finale B and it is beautiful. Even the Chris Colombus haters drop their pitchforks in joy, rejoicing in Mark's homemade video. No one criticizes the movie ever again.)

(Wait…oops.)

THE END!!